I'm such a mess right now. I am so upset with myself. Over the past few months my weight has steadily been increasing. Some months ago when I was going to Physical Therapy I was around 190 lbs. I was trying to lose weight but just sat there like an anchor. Since then I have been steadily gaining and I've been kicking myself with each pound. I see the number on the scale and vow to work harder to lose, to eat less and to exercise more. It just doesn't do any good and I feel so hopeless. I feel like I'm fighting an impossible battle or some evil spirit has a ghostly toe on the scale behind me making the numbers go up.
I know it could be part of perimenopause. I'm getting older and that I know I can't do anything about. I've been getting the hot flashes and been a bit cantankerous at times. My monthly has been... well, not monthly. At one point I went 6 months without one.
I also have 2 conditions that cause me to suffer from chronic pain. I have Fibromyalgia and Psoriatic Arthritis. It is difficult to exercise when it hurts to move but I did get a treadmill and try to walk every day - even when every step hurts. I start off slow and gradually increase but I usually never make it to 2 mph. I also can't seem to walk much longer than 10 to 15 minutes at a time. My Rheumatologist suggested that I walk for 10 minutes 3 times a day but so far I haven't been able to. That is my goal though.
A doctor recently put me on Lyrica for restless legs and I read that weight gain is the number one side effect. I take one other drug that also has weight gain as a side effect. That means I need to work harder to offset that.
I also have to fight myself. I get down and depressed at times and just feel like giving up. Sometimes in the evenings after carefully measuring my food and tracking my calories I start feeling down and resent myself for being so weak. I feel like my efforts are useless and start binging on whatever I can find like somehow that will make me feel better. It's like I can't stop myself even though I know that is silly.
Today I stepped on the scale and it read 220. I cried. I've gained 30 pounds in a matter of months. When my husband needed to lose weight he starting doing intermittent fasting and it seemed to be easy for him. He only ate one meal a day (dinner) but tracked his calories and made sure he got enough. He did though, eat whatever he wanted. He likes to have a piece of cheesecake or a donut at times. He likes potatoes and with fasting it seemed to not matter for him. He did talk to his doctor and got her approval and she is very happy about his progress. He's doing great and has been able to drop his blood pressure med and takes less blood sugar meds. He wanted me to try it too and I did but even though I was doing the same thing it wasn't working for me. He doesn't understand and keeps telling me, "you have to track your calories" as if he's sure I'm not.
Recently I started reading about intermittent fasting. I read that it doesn't always work as well for woman. That means I have to do something different. I think I need more structure and to eat lower carb foods. I decided to start with the 16:8 version and downloaded the Zero app on the play store. I have been doing it for about a week. I still gained a few pounds. I lost it and almost gave up but today is a new day. It's Monday... the start of a new week and I'm going to begin again.
I hit the button to start tracking my fast last night at 9:34 pm. I usually like to start at 6 pm but I have to start somewhere. Now I'm trying to keep myself distracted. I'm drinking lots of water and I have been walking around the house. I walked around the backyard with my dog and it's a beautiful sunny day today. I did 10 minutes on the treadmill and did actually make it to 2 mph for at least a few minutes.
I decided to blog about this thinking that would keep me motivated. I don't care if no one ever reads this. It helps to write it out and I think it might even help keep me from another crash and burn.
D
